SHOULD FELONS HAVE THE RIGHT TO VOTE?

IS THERE FINALLY HOPE FOR THE 49ERS?

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfgate/detail?blogid=13&entry_id=8981

We were never hopeless, even when we were talentless and coachless. We were "helpless," with Steve Take-A-Knee Mariucci; we were "hapless," under Dead-Last Dennis-Erickson; we were even "hype-less" after Terry Anonymous-Source Donahue leaked that video by Rick Up-Your-Morale Reynolds. But the Faithful never lost hope.

WHAT SHOULD BE THE SEQUEL TO "SNAKES ON A PLANE"?

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfgate/detail?blogid=13&entry_id=8167

There are three: An overthrown Arab government flees in a 747, but no airport will let them land because they're "Sheiks on a Plane!" Then, J.K. Rowling's 83rd Harry Potter novel features Slitherin's own in "Snape's on a Plane." And finally, a psycho Tom Hanks makes express deliveries for an Omaha beef company in "Steaks on a Plane."

WHAT EXPLAINS THE APPEAL OF JOURNEY'S "ESCAPE" ALBUM?

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfgate/detail?blogid=13&entry_id=4539

"Escape" is the classic hook-up / break-up / make-up album, as evidenced by its three Top 10 singles -- "Don't Stop Believin," "Who's Crying Now?" and "Open Arms" (the last of which has closed more deals than Michael Milken and Donald Trump combined).

HAS TV EVER DONE YOU ANY HARM?

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfgate/detail?blogid=13&entry_id=5568

I remember seeing a group of people clustered in front of a store window one evening, watching a color TV for the first time.  I was about 6 years old.  The only harm it ever did was to my backside, when I watched cartoons instead of doing my chores. 

WHAT IS YOUR HIDDEN TALENT?

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfgate/detail?blogid=13&entry_id=5568

Mine is the inane ability to absently anagram your name (Lisa = Sail, Dennis = Sinned), your car's name (Pontiac = Caption, Mustang = Guts Man), your pet (Parrot = Raptor, Rattlesnake = Ankle Taster), your soft drink (Pepsi Cola = Episcopal), or even your software (Microsoft = Is Comfort).

WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST EXPERIENCE WITH ALCOHOL?

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2005/05/13/PNG97CMKF71.DTL

A high school friend snuck into her parents' bar and poured some rum, vodka, scotch, gin, bourbon and tequila into a quart jar, and we all passed it around at the drive-in movie. I remember taking a sip and shuddering. Later, I held her hair back as she hurled.

WHAT'S THE BEST ADVICE YOU EVER GOT?

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2005/04/08/PNG11C254P1.DTL

While anxiously dreading an impending tax audit a couple of years ago, my accountant told me to "stop agonizing over it. It might not be possible to make things better, but that's no reason to make things worse." Along with that advice (which I kept), I got a refund (which I did not).

WHAT WAS THE BEST NEWS YOU GOT ALL YEAR?

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2004/12/24/PNGH2AFD1E1.DTL

Local favorite "Not Giving You a Ticket" was running neck and neck down the backstretch with dark horse "Like to Make an Offer." But after holding off a late challenge by longshot "Found Your Wallet" at the corner, the winner in a photo finish is "Dad, I Got Into Georgetown."

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU GOT STUCK CLEANING UP SOMEONE ELSE'S MESS?

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2004/12/03/PNG9AA28JP1.DTL

As a football coach, I was in the announcer's booth taking stats when the clock-keeper made an honest mistake that ultimately decided the outcome of a close game -- in our favor. Afterward I stood guard outside until the angry Visitors dispersed (much to the relief of the 65-year-old volunteer still inside).

DO YOU SEE GAS RATIONING IN THE FUTURE?

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2004/06/06/INGUQ6VRQE1.DTL

Yes. And doctors, police, teachers and other high-priority commuters should see no change in availability. "Good drivers" -- those without accidents or citations -- can buy as much gas as needed, at a higher price. Students, seniors and other low-priority drivers could buy a limited amount, but the uninsured, unlicensed, illegal aliens or convicted drunk or reckless drivers get no gas.

WHAT'S THE BEST LESSON YOU EVER LEARNED IN HIGH SCHOOL?

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2004/06/04/PNGBA6UMU31.DTL

As a city boy transplanted to the country, I ended up at a rural high school where some students carried loaded .22-caliber rifles in the gun racks of their pickups -- without incident, I should note -- so I learned not to sweat the petty things (and never pet the sweaty things).

DO YOU KEEP YOUR FEMININE HOBBY IN THE CLOSET, OR ARE YOU PROUD OF IT?

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2004/02/18/HOG5852K8J1.DTL

I tell anyone who'll listen about winning first place at the fair for pasta sauce made with homegrown tomatoes, and second place for peach-apple jelly made with fruit from trees I planted. You can take the boy out of the farm, but you can't take the farm out of the boy.

HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SWEETIE?

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2004/02/13/PNGKL4RLAH1.DTL

In that time-honored college courtship ritual, I kicked her. We were in a steeply tiered theater-style classroom, and while crossing my legs I booted the back of her head with my size 16s. She was pretty (and pretty mad), but when she turned around and looked up, my dimples did her in.

ANY CELEBRITIES WHO WOULD MAKE GOOD PRESIDENTS?

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/chronicle/a/2002/12/22/IN202374.DTL

We already watched Bill Clinton star in "Porky's does Pennsylvania Avenue," followed by George W. in "Richy Rich Goes To Washington." Maybe now it's time to see "More True Lies" with Arnold Schwarzenegger or "Damn, Saddam!" with Robin Williams. Imagine President Madonna in "Star Wars: Virgin Menace."

WHAT WAS YOUR CHILDHOOD PET?

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2002/04/26/PN232982.DTL

One summer I took my lawn-mowing money and bought a ring snake. I still remember the sight of him all coiled up, spiraling down the toilet after my mom found out. Maybe that's why they're called ring snakes.

HOW WILL THE COLOR-CODED TERRORISM WARNING BE USEFUL?

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2002/03/13/MN169375.DTL

Personally, I'd prefer the musical warning scheme they were considering, where classical means "low" risk, folk is "general" and jazz is "elevated." Rock would denote a "high" risk, and if you ever hear Heavy Metal blaring from the Oval Office it means George W. is going off the rails on a crazy train.

WHAT'S YOUR NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION?

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2002/01/06/LV152374.DTL

I've got to find a way to quit throwing food down my neck. For one thing it's unsafe, Mad Cow Disease was just a wake-up call; what's next, Sullen Salmon Syndrome? Grumpy Pork Pangs? Cross Chicken Complex? Scientists link eating with obesity, but economists link it with poverty. Have you noticed how expensive it's gotten to get and stay fat? We're talking four bucks for a box of cereal, and you still have to buy the milk! I've thought this one through and I'm definitely done eating.

ARE THE MEDIA OVERREACTING TO THE ANTHRAX SCARES?

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/chronicle/archive/2001/11/04/IN161010.DTL

A is for those attractive anchorpersons, Henny and Penny. 

N is for the nonstop news they dispense to the many. 

T is for our titillating television and all the secrets it coaxes. 

H is for the half of them that turn out to be hoaxes. 

R is for ratings and reporters and the recognition they crave. 

A is for America; land of the spree, home of the knave. 

X is for x-rays, which used to be rare except now we expect them to be everywhere. 

Put together it spells anthrax you pundit, the media's antidote for overexposure to Condit.

IS STEM CELL RESEARCH MURDER OR SCIENCE?

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2001/08/05/IN162762.DTL

You have reached Stem Cells for the Advancement of Murder and Science. Thank you for calling SCAMS. Please choose from the following menu options: If you are a member of the Flat Earth Society, press 1. If you are a Luddite, press 2. If you are a generally befuddled individual, press 3. If you are being lapped in the human race, press 4. If you have been abducted by a UFO, or are receiving aid from more than seven government agencies, please hold and the next available Stem Cell Murder and Science representative will assist you.

IS THE SOPRANOS DEFAMATORY TO ITALIANS?

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2001/05/20/IN239533.DTL

Oh, please - if the Italian Mafia wanted "The Sopranos" off the air, it'd be gone - bada bing! Consider the possibility it's responsible for putting it on the air. Far from defaming Italians, the show sanitizes them and folds them neatly into society. Never mind the thinly veiled castration metaphor in the name and the hackneyed stereotypes that pop up like those targets at the police shooting range. Come see the softer side of the mob (or I'll slit your nostrils).

HOW MUCH FAITH DO YOU PLACE IN SCIENCE?

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2001/03/25/SC208401.DTL

I place no faith in science - absolutely none. In fact, I try to place my faith and my science in separate buckets altogether (to keep one from spoiling the other). For me, science explains those things that can be explained; faith explains the rest. And the best thing about science is that it doesn't even need my faith. Science couldn't care less if I doubt gravity - it knows I'll still fall! Faith, on the other hand, is all worried about my feelings, and wants to have long talks about what I really believe. Meanwhile, water freezes at exactly 32 degrees, regardless of my indifference to its phase change.

DO DOGS BELONG IN THE CITY?

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/chronicle/archive/2001/05/13/IN79266.DTL

Responsible urbanites have been asking this question for ages. While the case "for" has always been strong (protection, companionship, warmth), the case "against" is somehow getting stronger (aggression, barking and poop). But the debate escalates into absurdity when dog-loving felons ring in from prison to build a business supplying exotic breeds. Meanwhile, the inmate's lawyers/adoptive parents/kennel masters set an example that everybody on both sides finds so disgusting it makes you want to rub their noses in it.

************************************************************************************

As seen in ADWEEK Magazine

VOL. XLIV NO.36

All Turned Around

Sometimes the pursuit of brand equity is a "quaint derby"

By Steve Cecil

Have you seen the Toyota commercial in which the letters of the word Camry are rearranged to spell "my car?"  The Camry trademark was first registered in 1983, way back when Terms of Endearment won Best Picture and M*A*S*H went off the air.  Which suggests one of two things:  Either the folks at Toyota can still learn something new everyday, or they have been sitting on this secret-in-the-sobriquet since Sally Ride soared into space.

I decided they must've known about this brand dimension all along, and it got me thinking about what other hidden messages might be out there.  It wasn't long before I deciphered another branagram (as I've come to call them) and can't wait to see the Ford spot urging young men to buy a Mustang and show some "guts, man."

Like X-ray brand vision, I am suddenly seeing through the facade, as I imagine a commercial for Buick's Regal in which budget-minded folks want to live "large."  Smiling smugly at a Chevy Suburban, I surmise that the phrase "urban bus" probably appeared in the creative brief.  Feeling superior, I look at a never-been-off-road, 6-mile-per-gallon SUV and bask in the sudden realization that Denali drivers are in "denial."

It seems so obvious now, as I flow a not-yet-released rap jingle for Dodge:  "If your style is tied to your ride / Intrepid gives you tin pride."  I contemplate the electronic gadgets in my dashboard and imagine how forward thinking General Motors will appear in an infomercial repositioning Chevrolet as the vehicle for the "tech lover."  Using my new-found powers behind the wheel of an Acura, I realize that an investment in an Integra is as solid as "granite."

It's amazing how ubiquitous branagrams have become.  If you want to make a statement, Pontiac is the "caption."  Diamante drivers seem "animated" to me now.  I suspect every Silhouette driver is headed for a "hotel suite."  I am confident every Monte Carlo has a "clean motor."  It would not surprise me to find a PT Cruiser full of "scripture."  Or to hear that owning a Laredo is an "ordeal."

The doomed DeLorean was the "oleander" of the automotive world, poisoning dealers and drivers alike.  If you drive an Audi, will you get pulled over for "a DUI?"

As my research continues, I realize that branagrams are not limited to car names.  Young people buy Kool cigarettes to get the right "look."  Their parents wear Polo shirts by the "pool" for the same reason.  Walt Disney tells "windy tales" on video and DVD, just as surely as Exxon merged with Mobil to get out of "limbo."  Any minute now, Allstate could abandon that good hands hokum and begin branding around a "tallest A" theme, before Firestone gets all the headlines with the grand opening of another "fine store."

Target commands customers to "get art" for the barren wall.  Perhaps Prudential pensioners will "daunt peril" with their pieces of the rock in a coming outdoor campaign, while Morgan Stanley analysts "moan strangely" around the world.

As branagrams catch on across other categories, I look for Winston to open the "Sin Town" theme park, Cendant to tell investors its acquisition streak "can't end," and Diageo to brew more "ego aid."

In focus groups, people will say they bought Adidas sportswear because of what the "ad said," and Pepsi because it relieves their parched "pipes."  United Parcel Service will make the power of brown its "super clean directive," and American Express will roll out the "maniac expresser" card.

Branagrams may well be the modern Rosetta Stone for deciphering hidden messages, but it will probably take more than fetching gymnastic linguistics to convince people that Microsoft really "is comfort."

Have you seen who won PRWeek's "savviest overall advice" award for renaming Enron? http://www.birnbachcom.com/news/renaming_enron.shtml

***********************************************************************************************************************************************

Are you swamped in a sea of slang?  Awash in an ocean of gibberish? 

Caught in the bubbling vortex of techno-babble? You need my:

jargonauts' guide to buzzwords

by SteveCecil@WhereWords.com  

BLOG 

A contraction of weB LOG, these (often very) personal journals are (for some reason) publicly accessible on the World Wide Web, where all the blah-blah-blogging leaves many readers blase about blogs and bloggers.

CPM               

A planning technique for managing complex projects, the CRITICAL PATH METHOD isolates dominant variables (such as manufacturing or shipping activity) to forecast project duration and estimate completion dates.

CRM              

Used by organizations looking to personalize buying experiences through mass customization, CUSTOMER RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT software automates interactions and integrates information in real-time.

CRT                

Modern plasma displays, big-screen and HDTVs are slim, elegant cousins of the original CATHODE RAY TUBE, which threw off such copious quantities of heat it was said to offer cheap radiation therapy to bystanders.

FTP                

The two-way standard for transmitting files between workstations and servers (or vice versa) over the internet, FILE TRANSFER PROTOCOL usually requires users to log on before uploading or downloading can begin.

GIF                 

This GRAPHICS INTERCHANGE FORMAT is a "loss-less" compression technique using a proprietary algorithm owned by Unisys, and being limited to 256 colors, it is best suited for line drawings and other graphic illustrations.

HTML

HYPER TEXT MARKUP LANGUAGE is the page description standard of the World Wide Web which controls formatting by marking text and graphic elements with coded tags, indicating how browsers should display them.

HTTP              

The one-way standard for transmitting files from servers to browsers on the World Wide Web, HYPER TEXT TRANSFER PROTOCOL defines how messages are formatted and fetched in response to various commands.

JPEG              

A working group within the International Standards Organization (ISO), the JOINT PHOTOGRAPHIC EXPERTS GROUP wrote this "lossy" technique for compressing full-color photographs to about 5% of their original size.

LCD               

Monochromatic LIQUID CRYSTAL DISPLAYS in watches look like crude blue/gray images on a whitish background, but in notebook computers with active-matrix technology they display high-resolution images in full color.

LED                

An electronic device that lights up when electricity is passed through it, a LIGHT EMITTING DIODE is not a light bulb and will never burn out making it ideally suited for displaying small (usually red or green) images.

MP3               

Audio layer 3 of the MPEG file format uses perceptual audio coding and psychoacoustic compression to remove irrelevant sound signals we can't hear, shrinking the file by a factor of 12:1 with no loss of sound quality.

MPEG

Another working group of the ISO is the MOVING PICTURE EXPERTS GROUP which developed this family of digital video compression formats (that store only changes from frame to frame, removing imperceptible data).

PCS                

The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) describes this suite of cellular technologies known as PERSONAL COMMUNICATIONS SERVICE as 1.) completely digital, and 2.) operating at 1900 MHz.

PDA               

What do you get when you cross a cell phone with an organizer with an internet browser with a networked computer that recognizes your voice and handwriting?  That would be your PERSONAL DIGITAL ASSISTANT.

PDF                

Developed by Adobe Systems, these files are pretty darn fast at capturing information from DTP apps in a PORTABLE DOCUMENT FORMAT so they appear on the recipient's monitor exactly as they did on the sender's.

PIXEL

Having nothing to do with pixies, these PICture ELements represent a single point in a graphic image (comprising 3 convergent red, blue and green dots) and they determine the overall quality in the resolution of a display system.

URL                

The UNIFORM RESOURCE LOCATOR is your internet address (starting with http:// for a World Wide Web page) and is used by browsers to specify which files are to be fetched from which servers, and how best to fetch them.

WAP              

Mobile phones, smart pagers, two-way radios and other handheld wireless devices like PDAs access information instantaneously via this secure specification known as the WIRELESS APPLICATION PROTOCOL.